You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
