Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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