just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
