This is not my ceiling
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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