Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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