Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
