Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
