I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
