the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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