Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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