I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
whose parrot is this?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
