Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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