I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
