: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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