i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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