I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
