Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
