I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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