She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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