I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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