Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
