he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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