well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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