try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
