with your own penis?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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