I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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