So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
