My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
