I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
