he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
