apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
