I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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