I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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