I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
