I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
