Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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