your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
