My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
