I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
