I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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