i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
