last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
