Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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