i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
