Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
