Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i think i have two assholes
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
