I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
