Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
