dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
