Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
