i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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