matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
