If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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