I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
